1 year Cancerversary

 

One year ago today was the last time I woke up without cancer on my mind. It was the last time I had a normal life expectancy, the illusion of unlimited time, a completely different view of the universe. 

One year ago today, around 3:05 pm, I got the call. "It IS cancer." And just like that, my life would never be the same. 

Dante's Divine Comedy has always been one of my favorite books. I now feel like I'm living in Purgatory - Paradise was life before cancer, when I had breasts and ovaries, when I didn't have osteoporosis or early menopause. That world is gone. 

Should the worst happen, should I become the 1 in 3 women that progress to metastatic breast cancer, I will be firmly in the Inferno, planning for my imminent demise (within a very short time). 

Now, I live in the middle - in Purgatory. Never going back to Paradise, never without the shadow of breast cancer looming. But I live not sure whether to plan for a retirement I might never see, and trying to balance every moment I spend with the urge not to waste a single one. It is an uncomfortable place to live. 

One year in, I am glad to be alive. I am thankful that my body is still mostly functional, even if a little more frail, a little more painful, and a lot older. I can now go at least a few hours every day without thinking about breast cancer. Living in Purgatory is a really shitty place to be, but I'll take it for as long as I can stay. 

#lobularbreastcancer #invasivelobularcarcinoma#doublemastectomywithoutreconstruction #fuckbreastcancer#fuckmenopause #cancerversary #estrogenreceptorpositive#iliveinpurgatory

So. Many. Pills.

The type A personality in me loves the organization of this weekly ritual, and the pretty rainbow. 

The doctor and patient in me are sad and disgusted that this is what my life has turned into in the past year - too many pill bottles to deal with every day, too many side effects of my aromatase inhibitor and menopause to count. 

Well, at least it looks nice, and I never forget to take my pills. 

#fuckbreastcancer #fuckmenopause #fuckosteoporosis#estrogenreceptorpositive #aromataseinhibitor#lobularbreastcancer #breastcancersurvivor#doublemastectomywithoutreconstruction#youngwithbreastcancer #atleastimorganized#somanyfuckingpills

Zoledronic Acid #2

Night shift to infusion center: Zometa number 2 of 6. Treating osteoporosis and preventing bone metastases. 

Healthcare was a dysfunctional industry before COVID - now it is downright broken. Being a patient is a dehumanizing, frustrating experience and with burnt out, disinterested, exhausted staff, it’s even worse. 

I wanted to try a slower infusion this time to avoid the “I got hit by a truck” side effects I had with the last one, but after a long night and a ridiculous pharmacy wait, I was tired and angry and I told the nurse to just run it in. I will probably regret that when my bones are in agony tomorrow, but for today, I just had to get the fuck out of there.

I love my night shifters, my RNs and techs and social workers, and all of the people that are still showing up and doing their jobs after 2 years of frontline hell. But our system is broken, and our workers are too. Being a patient right now is truly scary, disorienting, and hard. So is being a healthcare worker. 

So if you know a first responder or healthcare worker, please give them a hug and thank them for their service - because we have been on the frontlines of the Covid battle and we are tired, we are frustrated, we are angry, and we are looking for reasons not to give up. 

#fuckbreastcancer #fuckcovid19 #lobularbreastcancer#estrogenreceptorpositive #zometa #osteoporosis#fuckmenopause #doublemastectomywithoutreconstruction#flattiesunite #noboobsnoproblem #healthcareworkers#doctorsarepatientstoo

2021 in Medals and Numbers

314,504 y (205 miles) of swimming
517 miles of running
3057 miles of biking

3 sprint triathlons, 1 Olympic, 3 70.3s including back to back week races, and a 5k.

All of that with a month off for a double mastectomy, a second laparoscopic abdominal surgery, surgical menopause, and some crappy medications. Wow. 

This past year was definitely the worst of my life so far. Exercise, training, and setting and smashing goals were the physical glue that held me together. To even make it to the starting line of a race held me together mentally. 

One year ago January, breast cancer stormed into my life. My oncologist told me the best thing I could do to prevent it from coming back was to exercise. Mission accomplished. From pre-surgical strength training to post operative daily walking and PT, I haven’t given up on this body yet. 

Loads of thanks to @biscaycoaching @lesliemillertri who supported me during this journey, and to @withoutlimitsco@bbsctri @ironmantri @shestronginc for giving me the opportunity to recover through racing. 

@beewood17 none of this would be possible without you. Thank you for your patience, care, generosity, thoughtfulness, and most of all your love. Here’s to setting and smashing more goals this year!

#teamsfq #teamvpa #teamshestrong #smashfestqueen#quintanarootri #brooksrunning #truetreadmill #pickybars#tailwindtrailblazer #breastcancerwarrior #fuckbreastcancer#lobularbreastcancer #triathletewithcancer#breastcancerrecovery#doublemastectomywithoutreconstruction#noboobsnoproblem #setgoalssmashgoals #swimbikerun#gratitude #gratefultriathlete

Good Friends, Healing Tinctures

 Life brings you gifts in random ways : more than twenty years ago, summer camp counseling brought @jeniferhughs into my life. 

Through careers, marriages, kids, homes, moves, and across many miles we’ve stayed friends. In 2021, my most challenging year yet, I am so grateful for the people who have supported me on this journey. 

Jenifer is helping me crush cancer with these homemade mushroom extracts. There is some really interesting and solid data on the anti cancer properties of certain mushrooms (for real, I read the papers) so I’ll be incorporating these tinctures in my recurrence prevention strategy. 

Thank you so much Jenifer for the incredibly thoughtful gift and for decades of friendship. Love and gratitude ❤️

#lobularbreastcancer #breastcancerprevention#magicmushrooms #turkeytailmushroom #reishimushroom#anticancer #cancerrecurrenceprevention 
#goodfriendsarehardtofind #friendshipgratitude

It's All Starting to Catch Up With Me

The past few weeks have been hard, and I think my meds are finally starting to catch up with me.

The little pill on top with the L is letrozole. It is an aromatase inhibitor, and it inhibits estrogen. All of the other pills that I take are to ameliorate side effects and symptoms from the letrozole.

Biotin to prevent hair loss, calcium and vitamin D to treat osteoporosis, tart cherry supplements and naproxen to treat joint pains. Melatonin and trazodone to treat insomnia. A whole handful of pills just to manage the side effects of one.

I have been on letrozole for seven months, and for the last few weeks, it has been rough. I now understand why women throw these away, preferring quality of life over a small amount of cancer recurrence prevention. I’m not going to stop taking it, but I wish I could.

The foot, hip, ankle and back pains are excruciating. The tendinitis in my shoulders makes it hard to reach for things, swim, or even lift light objects. I’ve aged thirty years in seven months, and it doesn’t feel good. 

Thanks to @plantfusion @solgar @jarrowformulas@devanutrition for making vegan supplements I can actually take, and that are keeping me functional. Otherwise, just getting out of bed would be a struggle some days. 

#lobularbreastcancer #estrogenpositivebreastcancer#aromataseinhibitor #fuckbreastcancer #fuckmenopause#feelingoldaf #somanypillstotake #veganvitamins#vegancancersurvivor #breastcancerfree#breastcancerprevention #recurrenceprevention

There's no Cancer at Disneyworld

Nine months ago today I rolled into an operating room for a double mastectomy. 

Here I am today, flat, fabulous, and alive, about to celebrate this anniversary with my husband and family at the happiest freaking place on earth, Disney World. 

For the next four days, there will be no breast cancer. There will be laughs, rides, songs, and corny Disney theme songs. But no breast cancer. 

This has been one of my happy places since I learned to swim in the old swimming hole with my grandparents in 1979. There is truly no place like it - a perfect escape to reconnect with family and to forget the living hell that is cancer. Here we go for four days of total escapism and fantasy instead of reality. 

#mastectomyanniversary#doublemastectomywithoutreconstruction#lobularbreastcancer #flatandfabulous #noboobsnoproblem#fuckbreastcancer #happiestplaceonearth#nobreastcancerhere #disneyworld #disneyfamily

The Art That Made Medicine

 

Tonight I went to an exhibit @cuboulderartmuseum titled “The Art That Made Medicine”, looking at the connections between artistic practice and medical knowledge in anatomical illustration. It was very well done. Of course out of only 30 or so pieces, there was one about breast cancer - this photo of a surgical textbook from 1886. The picture is of a mastectomy. 

From the text: “ Whenever amputation of the breast is performed for malignant tumor, the operation must be radical…No regard whatever should be paid to cosmetic considerations, the object of the measure being the extirpation of a deadly disease…”

Amen to that. 100+ years later, and now we’re ALL about the cosmetic considerations, to the point where some women aren’t even offered the option to just do nothing. 

Mastectomies used to be brutal, extensive procedures with too little regard to functional outcome so I’m glad we’ve made some changes there (I still have pectoral muscles, for example). But I feel like maybe we’ve swung the pendulum a little too far in the “cosmetic considerations” department with the assumption that women need breasts to feel feminine, womanly, or whole. 

There are a lot of things I’m determined not to let breast cancer take away: my life, my joy, my intimacy, my exercise, my hair, my health. It can have my breasts.

#doublemastectomywithoutreconstruction #standtallafc#aestheticflatclosure #lobularbreastcancer#noboobsnoproblem #medicalhistory #cuartmuseum