1 year Cancerversary

 

One year ago today was the last time I woke up without cancer on my mind. It was the last time I had a normal life expectancy, the illusion of unlimited time, a completely different view of the universe. 

One year ago today, around 3:05 pm, I got the call. "It IS cancer." And just like that, my life would never be the same. 

Dante's Divine Comedy has always been one of my favorite books. I now feel like I'm living in Purgatory - Paradise was life before cancer, when I had breasts and ovaries, when I didn't have osteoporosis or early menopause. That world is gone. 

Should the worst happen, should I become the 1 in 3 women that progress to metastatic breast cancer, I will be firmly in the Inferno, planning for my imminent demise (within a very short time). 

Now, I live in the middle - in Purgatory. Never going back to Paradise, never without the shadow of breast cancer looming. But I live not sure whether to plan for a retirement I might never see, and trying to balance every moment I spend with the urge not to waste a single one. It is an uncomfortable place to live. 

One year in, I am glad to be alive. I am thankful that my body is still mostly functional, even if a little more frail, a little more painful, and a lot older. I can now go at least a few hours every day without thinking about breast cancer. Living in Purgatory is a really shitty place to be, but I'll take it for as long as I can stay. 

#lobularbreastcancer #invasivelobularcarcinoma#doublemastectomywithoutreconstruction #fuckbreastcancer#fuckmenopause #cancerversary #estrogenreceptorpositive#iliveinpurgatory

So. Many. Pills.

The type A personality in me loves the organization of this weekly ritual, and the pretty rainbow. 

The doctor and patient in me are sad and disgusted that this is what my life has turned into in the past year - too many pill bottles to deal with every day, too many side effects of my aromatase inhibitor and menopause to count. 

Well, at least it looks nice, and I never forget to take my pills. 

#fuckbreastcancer #fuckmenopause #fuckosteoporosis#estrogenreceptorpositive #aromataseinhibitor#lobularbreastcancer #breastcancersurvivor#doublemastectomywithoutreconstruction#youngwithbreastcancer #atleastimorganized#somanyfuckingpills

Zoledronic Acid #2

Night shift to infusion center: Zometa number 2 of 6. Treating osteoporosis and preventing bone metastases. 

Healthcare was a dysfunctional industry before COVID - now it is downright broken. Being a patient is a dehumanizing, frustrating experience and with burnt out, disinterested, exhausted staff, it’s even worse. 

I wanted to try a slower infusion this time to avoid the “I got hit by a truck” side effects I had with the last one, but after a long night and a ridiculous pharmacy wait, I was tired and angry and I told the nurse to just run it in. I will probably regret that when my bones are in agony tomorrow, but for today, I just had to get the fuck out of there.

I love my night shifters, my RNs and techs and social workers, and all of the people that are still showing up and doing their jobs after 2 years of frontline hell. But our system is broken, and our workers are too. Being a patient right now is truly scary, disorienting, and hard. So is being a healthcare worker. 

So if you know a first responder or healthcare worker, please give them a hug and thank them for their service - because we have been on the frontlines of the Covid battle and we are tired, we are frustrated, we are angry, and we are looking for reasons not to give up. 

#fuckbreastcancer #fuckcovid19 #lobularbreastcancer#estrogenreceptorpositive #zometa #osteoporosis#fuckmenopause #doublemastectomywithoutreconstruction#flattiesunite #noboobsnoproblem #healthcareworkers#doctorsarepatientstoo

2021 in Medals and Numbers

314,504 y (205 miles) of swimming
517 miles of running
3057 miles of biking

3 sprint triathlons, 1 Olympic, 3 70.3s including back to back week races, and a 5k.

All of that with a month off for a double mastectomy, a second laparoscopic abdominal surgery, surgical menopause, and some crappy medications. Wow. 

This past year was definitely the worst of my life so far. Exercise, training, and setting and smashing goals were the physical glue that held me together. To even make it to the starting line of a race held me together mentally. 

One year ago January, breast cancer stormed into my life. My oncologist told me the best thing I could do to prevent it from coming back was to exercise. Mission accomplished. From pre-surgical strength training to post operative daily walking and PT, I haven’t given up on this body yet. 

Loads of thanks to @biscaycoaching @lesliemillertri who supported me during this journey, and to @withoutlimitsco@bbsctri @ironmantri @shestronginc for giving me the opportunity to recover through racing. 

@beewood17 none of this would be possible without you. Thank you for your patience, care, generosity, thoughtfulness, and most of all your love. Here’s to setting and smashing more goals this year!

#teamsfq #teamvpa #teamshestrong #smashfestqueen#quintanarootri #brooksrunning #truetreadmill #pickybars#tailwindtrailblazer #breastcancerwarrior #fuckbreastcancer#lobularbreastcancer #triathletewithcancer#breastcancerrecovery#doublemastectomywithoutreconstruction#noboobsnoproblem #setgoalssmashgoals #swimbikerun#gratitude #gratefultriathlete