One year ago today was the last time I woke up without cancer on my mind. It was the last time I had a normal life expectancy, the illusion of unlimited time, a completely different view of the universe.
One year ago today, around 3:05 pm, I got the call. "It IS cancer." And just like that, my life would never be the same.
Dante's Divine Comedy has always been one of my favorite books. I now feel like I'm living in Purgatory - Paradise was life before cancer, when I had breasts and ovaries, when I didn't have osteoporosis or early menopause. That world is gone.
Should the worst happen, should I become the 1 in 3 women that progress to metastatic breast cancer, I will be firmly in the Inferno, planning for my imminent demise (within a very short time).
Now, I live in the middle - in Purgatory. Never going back to Paradise, never without the shadow of breast cancer looming. But I live not sure whether to plan for a retirement I might never see, and trying to balance every moment I spend with the urge not to waste a single one. It is an uncomfortable place to live.
One year in, I am glad to be alive. I am thankful that my body is still mostly functional, even if a little more frail, a little more painful, and a lot older. I can now go at least a few hours every day without thinking about breast cancer. Living in Purgatory is a really shitty place to be, but I'll take it for as long as I can stay.
#lobularbreastcancer #invasivelobularcarcinoma#doublemastectomywithoutreconstruction #fuckbreastcancer#fuckmenopause #cancerversary #estrogenreceptorpositive#iliveinpurgatory
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