Happy Halloween - My Boobs Tried to Kill Me

I haven’t painted anything since high school, but sitting here for 45 minutes creating a breast cancer pumpkin was pretty fun - and relaxing. 

Breast cancer is not fun. It is not pink ribbons and fake breasts and “one of the better cancers”. It is scary. My boobs did try to kill me. My body has aged 30 years in nine months.
I’m in menopause, I have osteoporosis. 

My first breast cancer awareness month since diagnosis has been hard. There has been a lot of pink, a lot of fundraising for dubious organizations, a lot of ribbons. There are also a lot of recurrences, resistance to medications, progression, and death. 

At the same time, there is life, music, art, nature, and joy. There are kisses, hugs, holding hands, beautiful fall leaves, and hot cider. Making art (even primitive pumpkin art) out of breast cancer feels like turning a negative thought into a positive one. 

As I approach another few weeks of scans, biopsies, lab tests, and oncology visits, I am trying to turn my negative thoughts into positive ones.

Trying to remain optimistic and hopeful despite my nature (which is, let’s be honest, realistic/pessimistic most of the time). October can be a tough month for breast cancer. Happy Halloween to all my #breastcancerwarriors out there. 

#fuckbreastcancer #lobularbreastcancer #fuckmenopause#fuckletrozole #breastcancerhalloween#estrogenreceptorpositive #cancerpumpkin#cancerisscaryshit #cancerhalloween#breastcancerawarenessmonth#doublemastectomywithoutreconstruction#noboobsnoproblem

Today's Adventure in Cancerland: The Rheumatologist

 Today’s adventure in breast cancer mitigation: a trip to the rheumatologist. To talk about osteoporosis. 

I left with the parting gift of a jug to collect 24 hours of urine, to measure how much calcium I’m excreting. I’m already taking calcium supplements, I’m already exercising, I’m already on a bisphosphenate. The vitamin D supplements are working, doubling my levels in 8 months.

In short, there isn’t much more I can do to stave off further bone loss, or to prevent fractures. I did leave with some reassuring news that even with osteoporosis, my underlying bones are probably still strong, and I won’t fracture as easily as an 80 year old with osteoporosis. 

A lot of the time lately I feel 80. I wake up with pain in my hands and feet, and stumble around like the Tin Man needing to be oiled. I’m glad to know I won’t imminently break into pieces. 

The rheumatologist also told me I could keep doing short races, and limited running. We drew the arbitrary line between exercise risk and benefit somewhere between 70.3 and 140.6 miles. I told her I wanted to do one more full Ironman, just to prove that I can after breast cancer, and she didn’t say no. 

Ironman Alaska 2022 here I come. One more epic day, one more epic triathlon adventure. I won’t ever be racing in Kona, and I’m at peace with it. I’m just happy to know I can still swim and bike, and that I can do shorter races. Exercise can and should continue to be my therapy, both for osteoporosis and for my medication side effects. The rheumatologist astutely said she did not want to take away my joy, and she did not. 

24 hour urine collection commencing…. 

#lobularbreastcancer #breastcancersurvivor#triathletewithcancer #osteoporosisawareness #osteoporosis#fuckosteoporosis #fuckbreastcancer#doublemastectomywithoutreconstruction#youngwomenwithbreastcancer #estrogenreceptorpositive#aromataseinhibitor #aromataseinhibitorssideeffects#surgicalmenopause

Losing Motivation

My motivation and mood haven’t been the greatest lately, so it was nice to hear @tridoccoaching ‘s latest podcast featuring my story of how triathlon has helped me cope with breast cancer. 

I dragged myself to the pool today, not really feeling it, and once again I’m so glad my will overpowered my mind. I feel so much better after 3000 meters of swimming. I almost feel like old me. 

Cancer is a big sh*t sandwich, with a slice of crap on either side. But as I reflect on this first year of my cancer experience, I know it’s my training, my coaching, and my racing that kept me glued together, getting out of bed, and feeling close to human. Thanks to @tridoc5280 for talking me through it. 

#teamsfq #smashfestqueen #biscaycoaching #teamvpa#triathletewithcancer #vegantriathlete #podcasting#breastcancersucks #breastcancerwarrior#menopausefitness #lobularbreastcancer#doublemastectomywithoutreconstruction#flattiesofinstagram

"Well, you look great."

 

I know they mean well. I know they’re trying to be positive. But “well, you look great” is starting to irritate me as a response to my breast cancer. 

I do not feel great. I feel old, I feel scared, I feel loss. I look fine on the outside, but my insides are hurting. 

No races on the calendar, no workout plan this week - a self chosen trail run today to nourish my soul. Because I need to be in nature, and I need to keep moving. 

Exercise, mindfulness, healthy food, sleep - even with all of these things, I am struggling, because cancer survivorship is a struggle. Even though I look like I have my shit together on the outside. 

So even if you mean well, please don’t tell me I look great. Just tell me you’re there to support me if I need it, or that you hope this is the end of my cancer fight. 

#fuckbreastcancer #lobularbreastcancer#doublemastectomywithoutreconstruction#flattiesofinstagram #breastcancerawareness#breastcancersurvivor #fuckmenopause #surgicalmenopause#menopausesucks

National Flat Day - Aesthetic Flat Closure Is A Choice!

 Every day is a holiday for something - and today is International Flat Day, the day during breast cancer awareness month where we celebrate the women who have chosen to stay flat after breast cancer surgery. 

I walked into my surgeon’s office knowing I did not want reconstruction - and the push back, doubt, and lack of support I received for this decision was astounding. I’m a tough cookie most days, but this broke me a little - was I making the wrong choice? Would I feel worse about my body without reconstructed boobs? Would I regret this later? 

I do not regret this later. I am 100% confident and happy in this menopausal, aromatase inhibitor taking body, as long as it doesn’t have cancer. The fact that it no longer has boobs is just a reminder of the battle. 

Thank you to @beewood17 for these beautiful photos - and for still thinking I’m beautiful, with or without breasts. It isn’t easy to strut flatness in our culture but fuck it - today is the day to call attention to how beautiful a choice flat can be. Hugs to all my #flattiesofinstagram out there.

#fuckbreastcancer #breastcancerwarrior#lobularbreastcancer #flatandfabulous #flattiesunite#flatfashion #noboobsnoproblem #standtallafc#aestheticflatclosure 

#nationalflatdayoctober7th

1 in 8

My first breast cancer awareness month since being diagnosed with breast cancer - and let me tell you, I am acutely, constantly, unrelentingly aware of it. 

I have lots of feelings about the so-called “pinking” of breast cancer, the millions of dollars of pink crap sold in the name of breast cancer, and the suggestion that people only need to be aware of it in October. 

Despite those feelings, as a breast cancer patient, I’d like to use this uptick in awareness to communicate some very basic facts. 

1 in 8 women in the US will be diagnosed with breast cancer. Some will be diagnosed with mammograms, others with self exams, still others with metastatic disease. Since it’s October 1, let’s remember to #feelitonthefirst and please do your breast self exam right now. That’s how my cancer was detected, and I can’t stress enough how important it is to get to know your breasts. 

#fuckbreastcancer #lobularbreastcancer #feelitonthefirst#breastselfexaminationalday #breastcancerawareness#fuckpinkribbons #breastcancerwarrior