4 years in cancer land, and as of March 1, 2025, cancer free for 4 years. This year's national park celebration was in Saguaro Nat Park in AZ. I'm feeling some heaviness this year, as women I have come to know through my advocacy succumb to this awful disease, and feeling defeated that at 4 years, the reality is my risk of recurrence hasn't even BEGUN to recede and in fact, is only increasing.
For most cancers, 5 years cancer free is a sigh of relief, a light at the end of the tunnel, and a time when their cancer becomes much less likely to recur. Not so for hormone positive breast cancer - indeed the risk of recurrence seems to peak between years 10 and 15, and for my subtype lobular, between 15-20. That means I'll be in my sixties and still worrying about recurrence more than ten years from now. It means that this may very well come back and kill me before something else has a chance to.
The world is entering a dark time, and my own existence in it seems increasingly meaningless. I fear for science, for public health, for National Parks and public federal lands, for anyone not a straight, White male. I am trying to find the energy to fight, while resisting the urge to recede from this nonsense as far as I possibly can while being earthbound. I remain grateful for my oncologist, my cancer drugs, my husband, and for having made it this far. I am struggling with menopause, my body's decline, loss of members in my cancer community, and finding purpose. Then again, these seem like tiny concerns given what's going on overall, and I'm trying to remind myself of the bigger picture. Wishing you all peace and some serenity in the storm.
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