Birthdays, Milestones, and Meanings

Today I had an MRI of my brain. I’ve been having some weird hand and foot weakness so into the scanner I went to rule out metastatic disease. 

Cancer changes your outlook, perspective, and tolerance for other stuff: there were many sinister things that could’ve showed up on here - multiple sclerosis, strokes, vascular disease. I was ready and prepared for them all. Just. Not. Cancer. 

Friday was my first birthday AC (after cancer). Numbers and milestones have a new meaning now - I didn’t think at age 46 I’d be facing 15 years of fear of recurrence, 15 years of feeling unsafe and insecure in my body, 15 years that might be the last 15 I have. But I realized I’ve also done some cool stuff in these 46 years, and goddamn it, I’m not waiting around anymore for my bucket list adventures. I’m going to make them happen. 

This MRI gives me peace and relief - every single time I’ve gotten in the pool or a lake since my diagnosis, I’ve thought “What if I have brain metastases? What if I drown from a seizure?” (This is what happens when you’re a physician, and you’ve researched and written extensively about drowning.) Today I can breathe a sigh of relief that I’m cleared to swim, that I do not have brain metastases, and that one more scanxiety day has passed. Now onto planning some life adventures for the year ahead. 

Outdoor Divas Triathlon

Sometimes I think these posts about triathlons should go on my regular Instagram feed, because they have nothing to do with breast cancer.

Except they have everything to do with breast cancer now.

Everything I do now carries the mark of breast cancer: the scars on my chest, the lack of ovaries within, the drugs with debilitating side effects. 

It’s for this reason I want every breast cancer patient to know there are women out there fighting this disease, doing what they love, and feeling safe and whole in their bodies again. Even with the scars. 

I had so much fun today @withoutlimitsco #outdoordivastriathlon! Came home with some second place hardware (glassware), and never for a moment forgot how fortunate I am to be out there racing, exercising, and feeling strong.

#biscaycoaching #teamsfq2021 #smashfestqueen#vegantriathlete #tailwindtrailblazer #tailwindnutrition#fuckbreastcancer #fuckmenopause

3 month oncology follow up

 

3 month follow up appointment with my medical oncologist. I’ll do this every three months for 2 years, then every 6 months for a while, then every year. Someday it might even be longer than that. 

I was in tears in the waiting room for no good reason (there was a wait, I was impatient) and I almost left without being seen. I’m glad I didn’t. 

There’s a plan, a follow up trajectory, an understanding of the utility of labs and imaging in my near and far future. 

Living with a fear of recurrence is my burden now, but at least I feel cared for and monitored. Labs every 6 months, CT chest/abd/pelvis every 6-12 months (to follow some liver lesions that are likely nothing), DEXA scan every year. 

I’m terrified of stress fractures from osteoporosis, but I keep running. I’m paranoid about seizures from brain metastases, but I keep swimming. I just can’t let breast cancer take anything else away from me. So I go about my business, trying to shut those scenarios out, and telling breast cancer “You might win someday, but today is not that day.” 

Stay tuned for scanxiety and lab-anxiety days ahead. Thankful for a medical oncologist that listens to me and watches over me like a mother hen. 

#fuckbreastcancer #lobularbreastcancer#doublemastectomywithoutreconstruction#surgicalmenopause #breastcancersurvivor#breastcancerfighter #doctorsarepatientstoo#doctorwithcancer

Boulder 1/2 Ironman - 5 years later

5 months post double mastectomy, 4 months into surgical menopause, on medication that causes osteoporosis. 

I still managed to finish the Ironman Boulder 70.3 within 2 minutes of my 2019 time. Before breast cancer and all it’s associated bullshit. 

This was the first 70.3 I ever did, in 2016, and I got hooked on triathlon. In January 2021, newly diagnosed with breast cancer, I didn’t know if I’d ever be at the starting line again. 

I feel so fortunate to have raced today, and did so for every woman who has been on this crappy journey. I also raced for my health, firmly believing that exercise is the key to cancer recurrence prevention. I raced because I can. And that feels damn lucky.

#fuckbreastcancer #mastectomyrecovery#doublemastectomywithoutreconstruction#lobularbreastcancer #menopausefitness 
#flatandfabulous #noboobsnoproblem